This topic was written by a man who is incarcerated at this time for sexual crimes. He has transitioned the Sexual Offenses Treatment Program and is planning to live a good and productive 
life when he leaves prison. I believe you will be deeply interested and moved by what he has to say:
WHAT IF I HAD?
by Michael
Have you ever let your mind wander? Do you ever daydream? I know that for me I do that quite a bit. Some of my thoughts are of great memories of my grandmother, who has went on to be with the Lord, and sometimes I reflect on the places I’ve been and the things I’ve seen in my short time here on this Earth. However, sometimes I look back at my life and I wonder, “what if I had…?”
I had many opportunities in my life to do the “right thing” but didn’t and the culmination of that has led me down a road of deviancy, and immorality that eventually landed me here in prison for the second time, just six short months after getting out of prison the first time.
Many times I reflect on my teen years and thought, “What if I had applied myself more in school, after all the teachers all said I was capable of good things.” I look back now and see a lot of missed opportunities that were directly related to my poor behavior in school. This is where, (age 13) I believe I started rebelling against everyone, doing only the things I wanted to do. This is called immediate gratification. Do you remember a time in your past when you started doing what you want when you wanted it? It is my opinion that everyone that is in prison has a problem with immediate gratification. In other words, we came to a point, in any given situation, that we were going to get what we wanted regardless of the potential consequences.
I continued on this path while in the Army. I was drinking, drugging and many other illegal things. I could have had a great career and seen the world all the while getting a free education. I also participated in a part of modern history by serving in combat in Desert Storm and being awarded the Bronze Star not once, but twice! However, I thew it all away because I thought I was entitled to walk my own path but the Army did not agree. Therefore, I left behind a huge opportunity to be someone of integrity, respect and trust. I was quite the liar.
You are probably getting bored with my story, but if you will just hang on, I believe you will find something that applies to you. That is the reason I am writing this article – to help someone out there that thinks he is all alone.
I have squandered many job opportunities that I could have turned into careers and been able to provide for my family and myself. Again, I ask myself, “What is I had just toughed it out at work and been thankful for the job I had?” I was too busy doing whatever my flash desired regardless of consequences or who got hurt. I have said many times, “I’m a grown man – no one can stop me from doing what I want!” Maybe I am the only one who has ever thought or said that, but that is what I truly believed at the time. All by myself, I ruined three marriages and damaged my relationship with my children to the extent that I can only pray that they still love me and want to be part of my life someday. Every day that my name is highlighted on our prison mail list, I think, “Is it a letter from my daughters?”
My first trip to prison was for sexual assault in Texas. I spent a lot of my time fighting and sticking my hand into every illegal activity that I could. How crazy is it, that after arriving at the prison to do my time I continued to commit crimes within the prison! There is that immediate gratification again. How could I have been so blind to my behaviors? I could justify by saying that I was just trying to fit in with the others, but the fact remains that I did the things I did because I wanted to. Today I see this same kind of behavior from some of the men on our unit; it is not very surprising. Men are put in prison for rebelling against the law and continue to do so inside prison for two reasons: 1) They are surrounded by people who are doing the same thing. 2) They just do not know how to be different. I had to make a decision that I was tired of being locked up, tired of hurting my mother’s feelings, tired of beating my head up against the proverbial brick wall, and just plain tired of thinking that I was crazy. Are you tired yet?
I got the rare opportunity to be a part of the treatment community in this prison and I completed the Program for men who have committed sexual offenses. I can stay at this prison until I discharge and am trying to give back some of what I have learned to people like me who want to change. I have to tell you the Program road was hard and hurtful. I HAD to face the demons of my past and deal with the distorted and twisted way I was thinking. You can do this as well. Maybe you are thinking, “I got too much time, I’ll never get into the right group. You can start your treatment today. Remember that true change is focused on the man, not the behavior. First, make the decision that you are not going to be the same man you were when you walked in here, and that you are going to walk a new path that will lead you to the man that you want to be. On the inside, I believe there is a place in the hearts of all men that cries out to be a man of honor.
“What if I had known then what I know now?” We all look back on our past with 20/20 vision and ask ourselves “What if I had….?” I do not think that it is possible to look back on our past with some regret, but I do believe that from the present time and on into the future we can make a difference in our own lives. If we really want to take control of our lives, we have to stop the cycle of behaviors that we do that is illegal, against the rules, and harmful to others and ourselves.
I know that this was really a long and wordy way of getting to the point of this paper, but I thought that if I shared a part of my life with you, maybe I could help someone. Maybe some of you men will have the courage to step forward to a life of change (it takes loads of courage). It will be hard, but the payoff if well worth it! I am willing to communicate with those who need help.
Michael
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May God bless all who read and heed these words of wisdom,
Macky
Empty No More 