I have a friend who is very bright and a lot of fun to be around. You would not know she lives with a Problem that she keeps secret. She lives her life “wearing an invisible mask” that will disguise her true emotions. I think that she has a belief that: if people know the “real her – the imperfect her” that no one will like her. She has (to this point) doomed her life to being the “actress” in the movie of her own life. And she is acting out a story of lies… I am hoping / praying that she will discover the freedom of living a transparent life…being herself. This is true Freedom.
How do I know about it? I am a Licensed Therapist and I have known her many years. I approached her one day a couple of years ago and explained to her that I could see that she was not the “happy” person that she wanted everyone to think she was. I had chosen the situation, timing and the place carefully and she broke down and started telling me about her life. We will call her Jojo.
Her family and friends see her living her life in a responsible way/going to and from a job she seems to really enjoy and proclaiming her Christianity and living her life according to the Good Book. She attends family functions where she laughs and talks with everyone. One area; however, that appeared to be somewhat problematic is that she has never been very social – yet when being social was unavoidable – she carried it off well.
Jojo lives with a personal dilemma that is emotionally, psychologically and sometimes physically painful. It is a dilemma that I have encountered many times before and because she is a friend, I have asked her if she will allow me to tell a small part of her story…with her help. She is not a “writer;” therefore, she will trust me to do the writing and she will do a great deal of telling me where to make changes! As I sit with her and we write about these mindsets that appear to be controlling her life…which includes her belief system to which she clings but secretly lacks Faith (She did not like that “lack of Faith” remark – but she says she must agree – and a tear rolls down her sweet face) and the lack of trust in people that has (in her opinion and in her words) – stolen her happiness.
Jojo lives with continuous anxiety and depression. One doctor also put two possible additional diagnoses in her file: anhedonia (the inability to experience pleasure in situations where most persons experience pleasure) and related PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from unresolved childhood abuse and trauma. No, it is not a fancy diagnosis and due to the frequency of hearing the words “anxiety” and “depression” daily in all forms of media…those who are blessed to live without these “quality- of- life suckers,” do not understand the misery of those who struggle from day to day. Jojo has described her life as: “I’m just an Oreo cookie without the soft and sweet
filling inside… My life started in the darkness of the womb – the first ‘Oreo half” and will end in the darkness of death – the second ‘Oreo half.'” She believes that she has been “cheated” by not experiencing any “lightness of life” in between her beginning and her end.
She and I are both hopeful that this “opening up” will help her in some or many ways.
A wonderful American writer, Henry David Thoreau (1817 – 1862) wrote:
“Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.”
Jojo tells me that she understands this statement and that if she died today, the majority of her “song” is still within her. Jojo and I agree that one interpretation of the “song” within us is that gift that each of us has – has been given to us by Almighty God. We believe that each person’s “song” (gift) is uniquely his/hers and it is each person’s responsibility to use the gift for the benefit of others as well as for our own benefit.
Thinking of Thoreau’s statement regarding “quiet desperation,” what does it mean to be / to feel desperate? Jojo and I have decided to explain her feelings of desperation like this: “I think I remember these incidents occurring from the time I was approximately 5 yrs. old. I grew up in an abusive family. There were daily arguments and physical fighting. My brother, sister and I usually had food to eat but it was rare to get through a meal without screaming, profanity and 
meanness. I developed a problem eating – both psychological and physical too. Because of the constant abuse and threats of beatings and threats of “giving us away” – I started thinking that my parents might try to poison me and so I would not eat until everyone else had taken a bite of everything. I think the anxiety became physical at this point because when I did put food in my mouth and tried to swallow – I would get choked and could not breath. Meal time became a time of torture for me and this is when my “food problem” became desperate. My fears started to pile up on one another. First, I did not know if there would be food to eat…second, I thought my parents might try to poison me…third, even after I saw that no one was dying after eating the food – my nerves prevented me from being able to swallow normally and I choked frequently. If that was not enough…I got in trouble for choking. We were rarely taken to doctors but because I was not eating, I became a really skinny little child. I remember being taken to see a doctor, but it NEVER OCCURRED TO ME TO TELL THE TRUTH. To be honest, I do not even remember having a conversation with the doctor. I think my mother talked for me. Looking back, maybe she was afraid of what I would say. The doctor must have told her to feed me what I would eat…so I could drink without choking and therefore, I drank a lot of milk, most things liquid, and soft foods. Perhaps you see this awful pattern developing in me – in that 5 yr. old girl. Because then, I became afraid of doctors and any mention of doctors sent my little heart racing. My brother, sister and I got in trouble when we got sick. I know that sounds weird to most people, but we were told that it was “all in our heads,” and we had to go to school (or wherever) no matter how we felt. I have felt trapped and in the control of others all my life.” In order to maintain confidentiality, I will say that Jojo is between 50 – 60 years old and continues to struggle with anxiety and depression.
Some persons feelings of desperation lead them to despair – a nearly total lack of hope and at these times, people with this personality style hurt themselves with alcohol/drugs or some persons become suicidal. Other persons (who have a different personality style) – their feelings of desperation leads them to impulsiveness – acting out without thinking about consequences…these types of people will commit crimes and hurt others.
Jojo wants to thank those of you who read this part of her life story and wishes for readers to know that she has tried to use anti-depressants, but for physical reasons, she cannot take them. She is able to take a medication for the anxiety and it is helpful to her. She has been in and out of Therapy and has made a commitment to find a good Therapist and she wants to and prays to have the determination to “find the filling” for her Oreo.
May God bless you and fill all your Oreos,
Macky
Empty No More 