As a licensed psychotherapist, I want to let you know (even if other therapists do not tell you); we don’t know everything! But those of us who are called to a specific work and really care about what we are doing – we will do our best to put ourselves in your “shoes” in order to help you. Then there are times when I become certain that a specific event has occured in my life so that I will be more understanding and better able to help you. This would be a “God” event!
As I have referred to in past posts, the Department of Corrections in the state in which I live has been closing Programs in the Prison System. Programs – in most prisons are a major light at the end of the tunnel…Programs have been one of the major tools with which a man can begin to reclaim his life as he walks out of the gate of his incarceration. Within the next several years, men will be walking out of the prisons in my state without some of the major tools that could help him. But all is not lost! Stay with me…
As Director of one of the major Programs (Sexual Offenses), I lost my position about two weeks ago. I admit to all who read these words that I am walking around in a fog. I finally broke down today and said it out loud – “I don’t know who I am without my job.” I spoke to a family member and then with a dear friend – bearing my soul…talking about how I feel and how I don’t feel anymore. Yes, I have plans but I am caught in the middle right now. I am no longer the Director of the Program…I no longer share lessons and listen to the internal and external feelings of the men I treated. In short, I feel sad and lost. I don’t feel that I have a platform to continue the calling that God has put in my life…which means I do not (at this time) have a way to reach out and offer the help that I used to do everyday.
I am thinking and comparing the way I feel with the way a man may feel when he is given his freedom. Most people would think, “What could possibly be sad or depressing about FREEDOM?” But, I know many men who are now free and I have spoken to them as they have plowed their way through the first few weeks, months, and even years of freedom. Many have left behind very good friends in prison! And in our state, and I believe in the whole United States, the men who have been released may not gather together – it is seen by society’s laws as a risky and a dangerous thing for two or more felons to be together for any reason. Therefore, most newly free men are faced with old friends who do not know or understand them anymore. The men who have had intensive Treatment can not risk getting involved in their “old crowds/gangs.” They would be tempted to go back to their old habits…they would be jeopardizing their newly attained freedom. So, I am definitely encouraging you newly free (treated/changed) men to create a new niche for yourself in society. You see? In some ways, you and I are in the same boat!
We are at a point in our lives where we must recreate ourselves! Let’s go over a few things that can be helpful…things I am doing myself:
1) Give yourself time to become accustomed to your freedom. Be gentle with yourself. If you feel panicy – it is okay to have a little alone time – but not too much or it will become isolation. It might be good to keep a journal of how you are feeling each day, rating your feelings on a scale of 1 – 10 – “10” being the best you can feel and “1” being the worst. Write down things you notice that are different and talk about or write down your opinions if the differences are things you like or don’t like. Be aware that you may change your mind with time. Share your journal with a trusted family member or trusted friend.
2) Maybe you don’t have any family members or trusted friends? I can understand that too because I have moved to a different community. I am the new person and am not close to anyone yet. But I am going to a church and you can too! I do suggest that you speak with the pastor of the church and let him know your situation so that he/she will not have any surprises and he/she will respect you for being forthright. If one church does not want you to attend…go to another church. Let me tell you something…I am preparing to talk to the Pastor of a church I am going to and tell him what my calling/ministry is (working with prisoners / men who have been in prison / men who have committed sexual offenses in their past. He may not be pleased with what I tell him and I know that there is a chance that he will at least ask me if I intend to invite any of my “clients,” or friends who have been incarcerated into the church. I will say, “Absolutely, I intend to invite them to church.” If he lets me know that they would not be welcome – you can know that I will attend another church…and then another…until I find a Pastor who loves ALL God’s children. I will be patient and I want you to be patient too. I am facing rejection – not quite the same as you – but rejection nonetheless. We can endure!!
3) If you have to go to work right away, I understand – we need money to live! Don’t look down on yourself if you work physical labor or fast food. My friends – this is honest labor and it will help you to start a new schedule…a good schedule of working…making a living!
4) Want to do different work? Look into tech schools and some of you can go to college. Hey – I didn’t start college until I was over 30! And I have a friend who did not go to college until she was in her late 50’s. She started working as a Therapist when she was 65 years old! She was one of the best Therapists I have ever known. The more mature students in tech or college usually do better anyway!
5) You won’t like this suggestion, but here goes anyway: don’t be in a hurry to get involved romantically. You are going through a lot of changes and this is not a good time to focus on a romantic relationship. You don’t want to make a hasty marriage that may not work out…I have seen this happen. Instead, let your goal be to make friends…good friends…both male and female. Let the ladies know that you are not going to get involved in a romantic relationship for quite a while but let them know that you would really enjoy good friendships. And who knows…later down the road, one of these good friends may be “the one” you will spend your life with. This is the very best way to find a marriage partner – to be good friends first…knowing the good, the bad, the quirks, all those things that could drive you crazy later! Find these things out in a good friendship.
6) I think all men (or women) who have been released from prison require “aftercare” Therapy for a few months…while the newly free man is adjusting to life. It is so comforting to know that you have someone who will tell you the complete truth and someone who will challenge you to live your best life…your Good Life.
7) Pray my dear friends and make solid goals for your life! Live your life doing good for others and all will be blessed!
As you can see, there are many different situations that can make a person feel lost. Let’s work together…encourage each other and find the joy and blessings in rebuilding your life. I will be rebuilding my life and I will be happy to share my progress with you!
May God watch over all of us as we go through these changes!
Macky
Empty No More 