Coming Home From Prison…Identity Lost?

As a licensed psychotherapist, I want to let you know (even if other therapists do not tell you); we don’t know everything!  But those of us who are called to a specific work and really care about what we are doing – we will do our best to put ourselves in your “shoes” in order to help you.  Then there are times when I become certain that a specific event has occured in my life so that I will be more understanding and better able to help you.  This would be a “God” event!

As I have referred to in past posts, the Department of Corrections in the state in which I live has been closing Programs in the Prison System.  Programs – in most prisons are a major light at the end of the tunnel…Programs have been one of the major tools with which a man can begin to reclaim his life as he walks out of the gate of his incarceration.  Within the next several years, men will be walking out of the prisons in my state without some of the major tools that could help him.  But all is not lost!  Stay with me…

As Director of one of the major Programs (Sexual Offenses), I lost my position about two weeks ago.  I admit to all who read these words that I am walking around in a fog.  I finally broke down today and said it out loud – “I don’t know who I am without my job.”  I spoke to a family member and then with a dear friend – bearing my soul…talking about how I feel and how I don’t feel anymore.  Yes, I have plans but I am caught in the middle right now.  I am no longer the Director of the Program…I no longer share lessons and listen to the internal and external feelings of the men I treated.  In short, I feel sad and lost.  I don’t feel that I have a platform to continue the calling that God has put in my life…which means I do not (at this time) have a way to reach out and offer the help that I used to do everyday.

I am thinking and comparing the way I feel with the way a man may feel when he is given his freedom.  Most people would think, “What could possibly be sad or depressing about FREEDOM?”  But, I know many men who are now free and I have spoken to them as they have plowed their way through the first few weeks, months, and even years of freedom.  Many have left behind very good friends in prison!  And in our state, and I believe in the whole United States, the men who have been released may not gather together – it is seen by society’s laws as a risky and a dangerous thing for two or more felons to be together for any reason.  Therefore, most newly free men are faced with old friends who do not know or understand them anymore.  The men who have had intensive Treatment can not risk getting involved in their “old crowds/gangs.”  They would be tempted to go back to their old habits…they would be jeopardizing their newly attained freedom.  So, I am definitely encouraging you newly free (treated/changed) men to create a new niche for yourself in society.  You see?  In some ways, you and I are in the same boat!

We are at a point in our lives where we must recreate ourselves!  Let’s go over a few things that can be helpful…things I am doing myself:

1)  Give yourself time to become accustomed to your freedom.  Be gentle with yourself.  If you feel panicy – it is okay to have a little alone time – but not too much or it will become isolation.  It might be good to keep a journal of how you are feeling each day, rating your feelings on a scale of 1 – 10 – “10” being the best you can feel and “1” being the worst.  Write down things you notice that are different and talk about or write down your opinions if the differences are things you like or don’t like.  Be aware that you may change your mind with time.  Share your journal with a trusted family member or trusted friend.

2) Maybe you don’t have any family members or trusted friends?  I can understand that too because I have moved to a different community.  I am the new person and am not close to anyone yet.  But I am going to a church and you can too!  I do suggest that you speak with the pastor of the church and let him know your situation so that he/she will not have any surprises and he/she will respect you for being forthright.  If one church does not want you to attend…go to another church.  Let me tell you something…I am preparing to talk to the Pastor of a church I am going to and tell him what my calling/ministry is (working with prisoners / men who have been in prison / men who have committed sexual offenses in their past.  He may not be pleased with what I tell him and I know that there is a chance that he will at least ask me if I intend to invite any of my “clients,” or friends who have been incarcerated into the church.  I will say, “Absolutely, I intend to invite them to church.”  If he lets me know that they would not be welcome – you can know that I will attend another church…and then another…until I find a Pastor who loves ALL God’s children.  I will be patient and I want you to be patient too.  I am facing rejection – not quite the same as you – but rejection nonetheless.  We can endure!!

3)  If you have to go to work right away, I understand – we need money to live!  Don’t look down on yourself if you work physical labor or fast food.  My friends – this is honest labor and it will help you to start a new schedule…a good schedule of working…making a living!

4)  Want to do different work?  Look into tech schools and some of you can go to college.  Hey – I didn’t start college until I was over 30!  And I have a friend who did not go to college until she was in her late 50’s.  She started working as a Therapist when she was 65 years old!  She was one of the best Therapists I have ever known.  The more mature students in tech or college usually do better anyway! 

5)  You won’t like this suggestion, but here goes anyway:  don’t be in a hurry to get involved romantically.  You are going through a lot of changes and this is not a good time to focus on a romantic relationship.  You don’t want to make a hasty marriage that may not work out…I have seen this happen.  Instead, let your goal be to make friends…good friends…both male and female.  Let the ladies know that you are not going to get involved in a romantic relationship for quite a while but let them know that you would really enjoy good friendships.  And who knows…later down the road, one of these good friends may be “the one” you will spend your life with.  This is the very best way to find a marriage partner – to be good friends first…knowing the good, the bad, the quirks, all those things that could drive you crazy later!  Find these things out in a good friendship.

6)  I think all men (or women) who have been released from prison require “aftercare” Therapy for a few months…while the newly free man is adjusting to life.  It is so comforting to know that you have someone who will tell you the complete truth and someone who will challenge you to live your best life…your Good Life. 

7)  Pray my dear friends and make solid goals for your life!  Live your life doing good for others and all will be blessed!

As you can see, there are many different situations that can make a person feel lost.  Let’s work together…encourage each other and find the joy and blessings in rebuilding your life.  I will be rebuilding my life and I will be happy to share my progress with you!

May God watch over all of us as we go through these changes!

Macky

Much Needed Truth for Our Society…Are You Destructive?

Hello Readers…I think you will really like this…..if you give the truth a chance!!

I have been thinking about a verse, Proverbs 18:9, that can open your eyes to some straight forward truth if you will be open to it.  When I was much younger, I remember thinking occasionally that God was sometimes so frank in the way He spoke His truth…well, I thought this truth might drive people away.  One of the reasons that I believed this way is that when I was growing up, my family did not deal with the truth openly.  My family, like many of your families, had many secrets and when someone simply and plainly told the truth – it seemed like they were being rude or trying to hurt someone’s feelings!  Thank God I have matured somewhat now (still on that journey!) and I see His brilliance and His love in the way God tells us His truth without beating around the bush…without mincing words.  He wants the best for us – so He gives us His truth boldly!  Here it is:

Proverbs 18:9a:   “He who is loose and slack in his work is brother to him who is a destroyer…”

Do you agree with me that those are powerful words?  This tells us so much about the character of God and what he expects of us.  

God wants us to know that the work that we do while we are on this Earth is really very important!  Do you know why?  Because (in my study and therefore in my opinion) God has a plan (a very good plan!) for each of our lives and that plan includes the work that we do while we are here.  Maybe you are saying to yourself, “Well, what could God possibly expect of me – my job is only that of being a bookkeeper…or perhaps a waitress…or a construction worker…or a ______ (you fill in the blank).  Or let’s consider one other possibility, “I was just laid off or fired from my job – so what does God expect of me NOW?!”  I believe that God expects you to do your best at whatever you are doing.  Period.  If you are laid off, you can help your husband, wife, family, or friends in whatever they need while you are praying for God’s will and His blessing for your next opportunity to do work that brings glory to His Name!  Any job can bring glory to His Name if you have a righteous attitude and give your best efforts!  If you believe that you are not in His will in your areas of work, you need to get on your knees or your face before Him and ask for guidance.  Be open to His leading because His answers may come to you through family, friends, reading (like this humble writing), television or a Divine Knowing.  Our Lord wants to work through you.  Yes, YOU – I do not care what mistakes you have made in life!!  There is a specific job that only you can do in your own way.  Yes…he will let someone else do the chosen work if you ignore His leading, but you will miss your Divine purpose and a lifetime of joy and blessings.

To summarize the first part of this verse in our language of today, if a person performs his/her job in a “loose” way – it would mean that, that person is not “attached,” meaning that he/she feels no obligation to their employer and is performing their job without taking full responsibility of what is required to do the job well.  He/she is not respecting the rules and is lacking loyalty to the employer.  Looking at the meaning of “slack,” shows us that this worker is characterized by slowness, sluggishness, and without energy.  That sums up a man or woman who is not doing a good job and the Bible describes this person as a brother to him who is a destroyer.  Wow, there are those strong words again.  God tells the truth boldly!  In other words, to do a job poorly is the same as destroying the product of the work.

Is there any clearer way that God can tell us that we must be diligent workers?  I know that after this study, I will give my best to the people at work who depend on me.  Will you do the same?  If God is calling you to a different work field, trust Him and follow His leading.

May each of us give our best wherever we are. 

Walk in peace…work with honor..

Your friend,

Macky

P.S.  Remember…”Every man dies, but not every man truly lives.”

Guardian of Your Soul…

Helpful hint:  I believe it would be most helpful if you read the story of Joseph in Genesis before reading this.  If you are familiar with his story, you will likely understand!

Consider this passage from Psalm 105 as the Psalm writer speaks of Joseph.  God allowed Joseph (of the Old Testament) to be captured…to be imprisoned and placed in chains.  God allowed this to test and teach His servant, Joseph.

^“17He sent a man before them, even Joseph, who was sold as a servant.  (NOTE TO READERS:  I just love this verse!  Joseph had no idea that he was being “sent on a mission” by and for God Almighty.  He only knew that his brothers had sold him into slavery!  Remember that old saying:  God works in mysterious ways…it is so true!)

¹⁸His feet they hurt with fetters; he was laid in chains of iron and his soul entered into the iron,

¹⁹Until his word [to his cruel brothers] came true, until the word of the Lord tried and tested him.

²⁰The king sent and loosed him, even the ruler of the peoples, and let him go free.”

Consider what the Bible means when it tells us that Joseph’s soul entered into the iron.   What a mind-boggling statement – what could it mean? I think those are a few words that should be thought about and examined thoroughly with our minds and hearts.  Because it is not only chains of iron that are able to bind us…there are many situations in life that bind us AND our souls enter into those situations as well.

I have been taught and believe as I read the Bible that our soul consists of our mind / our will / and our emotions. So, the state of my mind would include:  those things I think about, the plans I make and the fantasies and visuals  I allow myself to dwell on.  My will is my ability to make decisions – whether they are “good” or “bad” decisions.  Our God has given us free will and our future successes, failures and everything in-between is determined by the will.  My emotions are the feelings that I choose to express.  Therefore when we say “soul” we are speaking of a vital and large part of our existence.

SO WHAT DID THIS MEAN TO JOSEPH – THAT HIS SOUL ENTERED INTO THE IRON?

I believe this means that when Joseph was thrown into prison that his soul (his mind, his will and his emotions) was consumed by the conditions he was living in…the prison; the cruel and painful  iron restricting his actions.  Every dream he had ever had for his life, he was giving up…throwing in the towel.  There seems little doubt that his mind was filled with negativity, anger, fear and hopelessness.  The iron on his body and all around him likely caused him to lose his will to try to make good decisions about his life – a life he was thinking was basically finished.  As for his emotions, how could he not have been severely depressed?  Likely he was at times in tears over his physical and emotional pain.  Other times, he likely took out his highly emotional state in the form of anger and lashed out on his fellow prison mates.  Those things are what I think it meant when the Bible tells us that Joseph’s soul entered into the iron.  He could not or would not look beyond his circumstances when he was first placed in prison.  He did finally “break free” (no, he did not escape from prison…he was released) when TWO things came to pass:

1)  Until his word [to his cruel brothers] came true,

2)  and until the word of the Lord tried and tested him.

Joseph had prophesied to his brothers regarding things that would “come to pass” in the future.  All prophesies are from God; therefore #1 above indicates that God’s Holy Will…HIS PLAN for our lives must come to pass.  #2 was in Joseph’s own hands and he had to mend his reactions and responses to his circumstances in prison.  He had to heal and change the condition of his soul: his mind; his will and his emotions.  And THEN the combination was correct and complete resulting in Joseph’s release from prison:

“The king sent and loosed him, even the ruler of the peoples, and let him go free.”

This could be you.  Whether you are in or out of prison.  If you want to be free from an actual prison – you must first understand the Will of God for your life and then YOUR #2 is to change and heal your soul (until the Word of the Lord tries and tests you – and you PASS THE TESTS!!)

Please prayerfully read the entire story of Joseph in Genesis and you are sure to be blessed.

May you allow Him to guide and direct your life and may you be set free.

Walk in peace,

Macky

Am I Disappearing?

A friend of mine wrote some of this and even though he is not in prison, I believe his feelings will resonate with many of you who come here to read and to think things through.  My friend says he feels like he is “disappearing” (no, not literally) and that he is becoming less and less important to his family.  Yes, he believes they love him, but at his stage in life (nearing retirement), well…all his children are grown, have their own lives, and just do not do much in the way of gathering the family together.  He says it’s not the way he and his wife raised them, but the family unit is very different now and he believes that the mature generation is being moved aside – and not very gently either.

“I feel so full of memories,” he tells me, “and I think about my (grown) children throughout the day, but I have no doubts that they have placed their thoughts about me on a shelf…somewhere out of the way.  “Yes, out of the way…I feel like I am in the way – even at a (rare) family dinner.  The grandchildren are just polite and distant.  I hate the atmosphere of feeling uncomfortable…of trying to make a joke or make conversation and the effort just falling flat.  I love them all, but I hate feeling like I don’t belong with my own family.  Is it me…is it them…what have we lost?   I remember when we would roll around on the floor wrestling, laughing, and teasing or just sitting comfortably – feeling the love.  Those were the days.  No one felt self-conscious  and everyone was relaxed.  I don’t know how my family lost its warmth and joy.”

I think there are several life situations in which a person believes that he or she is insignificant or unimportant.  The people I talk to who have re-entered society after being in prison have had this”nobody cares about me” experience.  And I believe the good news for those who re-enter society is that  it will get easier with time…as you resettle yourself into a lifestyle that is balanced, safe and successful.  And remember successful does not mean a HIGH paying job.  Be willing to work your way up.  Jesus Christ our Lord was a carpenter!

As for my friend, well…he is going to get together with some friends his age and not just sit around and think about the past.  We must live in the reality of today and plan for tomorrow…right?!

God bless each one of you!

Macky

Loneliness: The Worst Disease..

I attended a conference recently about helping men and women in prison to re-enter society.  It was very interesting and I want to share many things with you.

One quote I heard while there was this:  Mother Theresa was asked this question many years ago.  What is the worst disease you have ever encountered?   Her answer was, “Loneliness.”  The great sadness associated with her answer is that the men and women in prison who feel this great loneliness…for the vast majority of them – it did not start in prison – they were lonely, angry, and afraid long, long before they landed in prison.

One of the speakers talked about the “lenses we look through.”  As if we are looking through some kind of “glasses,” by the time we are about 3 and 1/2 years old, we are looking through the lenses of our caregivers…which means we are “seeing” life “through their eyes.”  We will likely have a great many of the same prejudices, beliefs, biases, likes, and dislikes of our caregivers.  This means that it is “natural” for us to automatically act like our parents (or the persons who raised us).  For some of us – that was not good news.   But, the bigger picture IS good news – if you are willing to do a lot of THINKING and if you have a lot of DETERMINATION, you can go to work on changing yourself.  You can transcend(overcome) those cultural biases for your greater good.  It will take time…months and years and yes, you will sometimes still think or act like your dad, but on the whole, you CAN BE your own man (or woman)!  If you can afford it, I always recommend a good Therapist to help you.  Individual or group therapy would benefit you greatly.

Another speaker emphasized how prison effects men and women.  Very soon, men and women learn:   Don’t trust—Don’t talk—Don’t feel—         You must fight these temptations to “shut down”.  You must find the good people and stay in contact with them and with God who created you and watches over you.  The same speaker discussed how prison “slowly takes your living skills away from you…you become “institutionalized” and begin to fear life beyond the walls.

If you are in prison, hang on to as much of your independence as you can my friends.  To the extent that you can, make your own schedule.  The more of your daily decisions that you can make – the better.  Try to make 40 to 50 decisions per day.  Count your decisions!  Most persons in prison make 25 decisions or less.  This is POOR PRACTICE for your life when you get out!  Stay in touch with what is going on in our society.  The laws, the technology…things like that.  As you do these things, you will know that you are preparing yourself to live on the outside again.  And I also believe that this type of preparation will help relieve your feelings of loneliness.  You might even consider starting a Preparation group.  How about a “Preparation H” (Home) group?!  ha ha…bet you guys didn’t know I had a sense of humor.  Okay…corny…

God bless you and Merry Christmas,

Macky

The Journey to Happiness Takes Nine (9) Steps, Step 7: Has Your Life Been Filled with Chaos? Has Your Life Lacked Harmony and Calmness? You Need PEACE in Your Life..

When we “get down to it,” life is about relationships.  Without relationships, our lives would have little (perhaps no) meaning!  We are motivated to to make our own lives “happy,” and we are also motivated to make the lives of those people we love “happy” also.  To be sure, happiness is a personal journey and I cannot be responsible for another person’s happiness; however, I can encourage or discourage those I care about…I can influence the people I live with and those I work with to interact with harmony and with attitudes that display a tranquil temperament.  The characteristic of Peace of one of my favorite topics to discuss and one of the areas I work on the most.  The enemy of all Christians does not want us to live in peace!  he wants us to live with disquieting and oppressive thoughts and feelings.  REFUSE TO DO THIS!!

Making and maintaining peace is the 7th step of our Journey to Happiness.  It seems that every time we discuss one of the steps – it becomes my favorite!  Peace is definitely my favorite today!  First, let’s read the verse together:  Matthew 5:9:

^“Blessed (enjoying enviable happiness, spiritually prosperous–with life-joy and satisfaction in God’s favor and salvation, regardless of their outward conditions) are the makers and maintainers of peace, for they shall be called the sons of God!”

During the holiday season…a season during which Christians should be most joyous, we can lose our joy if we get caught up in the materialism.  If begging would help, I would beg you – STOP MAKING CHRISTMAS ABOUT GIVING AND RECEIVING GIFTS!  Let’s get back to celebrating the birth of our Savior…it is enough!  It is MORE THAN ENOUGH!  Write each other letters – little letters from the heart – that would be the greatest gifts I could receive from my family and friends:  to know what they think and feel about our relationship!  Giving up materialism would go a long way to making peace.  Matthew says we must first make peace and then we must maintain peace!

Making peace may mean that you need to “make things right” with some family members and friends.  In other words – you may need to make some apologies or if you feel that someone owes you an apology – you may need to approach that person appropriately and tell that person(s) how you feel and talk it out…talk it out gently…knowing that Jesus is sitting there with you.  Making peace in your life could mean so very many things.  Think it through.  Make a list.  Don’t get overwhelmed or you will lose your peace!  You can take your time as you make your peace…a little at a time.  What a blessing will be yours and what a blessing you will be to others as you travel this part of your Journey to Happiness!

Maintaining your peace after you have worked to gain it is very important!  You must work to sustain your peace in the presence of opposition or danger…you must uphold and defend your right to maintain your peace.  So many people in our society seem to enjoy arguing – it appears to be their way of feeling superior or better than someone else.  You can refuse to be part of arguments; you can refuse to be part of gossip; you can refuse the temptation to complain!

May the joy of the season be yours and remember that you that you can choose to live in Peace.  You must make the choice every day!  May God bless each of you..

The Journey to Happiness Takes Nine (9) Steps, Step 4: Have You Lived a “Bad Life?” Have You Desired and Chased the Wrong Things in Life?…It is Time to Make it Right!

We have started a journey.  Are you coming along…are you making progress?  I hope that you are; I hope that you are building on your foundation of humility (Step 1); I hope that you have understood the necessity of appropriately mourning your past (Step 2) – regardless of how “bad” you believe it was.  And are there many of you out there practicing meekness (Step 3)?  Understanding meekness is vital and will help you become a person of patience…a person who does not require “Immediate Gratification” in your life!  The best things in life rarely come quickly or easily.  Certainly, the path to happiness is a life-long journey and it can be a journey filled with much joy and a whole lot of fun too!  Let’s continue our journey…

Matthew 5:6 says,

“Blessed and fortunate and happy (emphasis mine) and spiritually prosperous (in that state in which the born-again child of God enjoys His favor and salvation) are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness (uprightness and right standing with God), for they shall be completely satisfied!”

That is a lot of words…let’s discuss what they mean in a way that we can apply this to our lives.  This verse informs us that the way to happiness includes a hunger and thirst for righteousness.  Simply, this means that it is important that we have a deep desire in our hearts to do right – and not do wrong!  To hunger and thirst indicates to us just how important this “desire to do right” is:  If we did not eat and we did not drink, what would eventually happen to us?  First, we would become weak, and if we continued without eating and drinking, we would die.  Therefore, DOING RIGHT is as important as keeping our bodies alive!  Doing right will keep our Spirits alive!  Haven’t you heard slang such as, “He is in very low Spirits…or he is in very good Spirits”?  Because we are creations (sons and daughters) of God, He placed a small bit of Himself inside each of us…each of us has a bit of God inside of us.  We must be aware of this Spirit and we must feed and nourish It.  When we do right, we are strengthening our “Spirit man,” and in this way we continue our journey towards happiness.

There are many philosophies regarding “right and wrong,” and “good and evil.”  There are people who believe that there is no such thing as right and wrong and good and evil.  They believe that no behaviors should be labeled as bad or evil.  Can you imagine how our society would crash if we started to live as if everything we do is “JUST FINE;”  if we walked around our neighborhoods stealing, raping, killing and believing that none of those behaviors were wrong?  Some of you who are reading these words have done some bad things, perhaps some very bad things that sent you to prison.  It is important that you understand that you did not go to prison just because you got “caught.”  You went to prison because you did something wrong…and at the time of doing this bad or evil behavior – perhaps you did not believe it was wrong.

Jesus says in Matthew 5:6 that we should desire to do right and good things just as much as we need to eat and drink to stay alive!  When you begin to think about / desire and then actually practice doing good things – seeking righteousness – you will begin the process of becoming genuine.  You will be becoming a man or woman who does not have to hide behind masks.  Your inner Spirit (as your feed and make It stronger) will have more control over your heart and soul.  You are going to begin to feel that happiness you have been searching for…for so long.

We are also told in the Bible to “do to others what we want them to do for us.”  That is a good measure for us to use as we start to live each day doing good.  We must make it a new habit – we must live our lives deliberately…looking for opportunities to say encouraging things to others…going out of our way to be kind and helpful.

All of us at Empty No More are praying for all of you who are taking this journey.  God bless you!